Malignant Cancer IV : Domestic Violence....

The author was inspired to write on this real and blood-boiling issue of "domestic violence", courtesy these three events. The South Asian Arts Festival, the annual fundraiser of SAHARA (a helpline organization for the battered women) from Nov 16-17, in Laguna Beach, CA, that he happened to attend; a discussion with friends over coffee on the same issue; and this poignant article, very well representative of the grim reality and the times, that he had come across long time back.

No matter how educated the society is, domestic violence, continues to create an havoc in the lives of the innocent and often, helpless, victims. In the earlier years, the issues of dowry, and lack of proper financial support of the wife's family, the wife's inability to conceive/ give birth to a son, etc. used to be major reasons for the same. At a time, when large families with just one bread-winner, say the father-in-law, were not uncommon, it was natural that a daughter, say the wife, was considered a financial burden. What made the issue even more ironically depressing, was that, the mother-in-law of the bride, a woman, herself, was the most cruel and demanding. This pregnant issue has been well conceived in the form of thought-provoking literature and cinema, since time immemorial, and is not the purpose for this post.

While none of the above can be justified, it is highly frustrating to note, the manifestation of this evil in an even more grotesque form. Gone are the days where the female child was deprived of a formal education. These days, most of the girls, are equally talented, if not more, than most of the prospective grooms. Most families strictly adhere to the 2-child norm, and hereby, there is some form of financial security. However, the most shocking fact, is that, this evil continues to exist; and is an issue in a land, far away from home, US of A, where, even the stereotyped, cruel mother-in-law's policing hand is out of reach. So, how does one explain this? The author feels that the answer lies in the Concept of the Indian Marriage and Society. Plus, the age old adage that, whatever happens within the four walls of the house, has to remain within.

In a heavily male-dominated society, in terms of its ideas, beliefs and opinions, a woman, is often considered to be the cause and affect of marital problems. Since their birth, the fact that, you need to do everything possible to make your marriage work, has been drilled into the girl child. If a man strays in a marriage, he is condoned, because, he is a man. He can drink, lust for a woman, have illicit relationships with women, squander money, batter/rape/harass his wife, etc., and the helpless victim, would often not find words of comfort, even, from her mother. A divorce is a stigma to her, and what about her children, who, despite their being the symbols of her entrapment, happen to be the sole reason for her existence. So, she is often trapped, in a meaningless relationship, that offers her no emotional, financial, psychological and physical comfort and security.

As an aside, the issues of male ego would be a botheration in the western countries too. However, there is that fear in the male, that, the wife might just go ahead with a divorce or complain to the rigidly strict law. She is given the freedom to speak out, which, bears no stigma at all for her. A divorce in this extreme form of atrocity on the women need not be justified. While the existing conditions of domestic violence, can happen, anywhere in the world, this grostesque and virulent new form is happening in the western countries, where, the women, are dependents for legal purposes. A groom, with an H-1, is a lucrative option for the girl child, because she can join him, immediately after marriage, unlike the case of the green card. For some, marriage poses the gateway to the US, the land of dreams for many. In these days of hurriedly arranged, arranged marriages, little is done to verify the actual professional and financial status of the groom. Sadly, in some cases, even the parents of the groom are oblivious of what is happening in their darling son's life out here.

A highly educated bride, comes to the US, as a dependent. In some unfortunate cases, she is harassed because of dowry. Sadly, the more so the number of elite degrees from great institutions after his name, the worse so, is the form of dowry. While education is expected to mould a person into a well-rounded, empathetic and honest persona, it fails miserably so in this case. He treats her as a door-mat and as an outlet for his sexual frustrations/ desires. In a land far from her parents and home, the woman is often helpless and trapped by the legal laws too. She cannot work. She doesn't have a social security number. In some cases, she is, purposefully, not taught to drive a car. How can this well-educated, Indian, woman, manage on the freeways? Does the husband ever think of how impotent he was when he had just arrived in the US. Naturally, for routine groceries, she has to depend on her husband. Pray, why she needs to do groceries: only, to not default on her duties as the cook of the four-walled house, her cage.

.... If you think the author is painting a grim picture and providing a pessimistic view of things, who knows for what purpose, you are sadly mistaken. Please do not be surprised if a person you know very well happens to be either the victim/aggressor. Every face has a story to tell.

PS: This post has been written from the Indian mindset. However, talks with my friends from other countries, reveal, that these issues could very well be so, in other countries too. Blame it on the pyschology of the male, that, has been so very well nurtured in all different cultures and religious followings, all across the world.

PS2: An interesting article, on a related theme of violence on women, with the neat solution of "give it to them".

PS3: The reader is strongly recommended to watch the movie, Provoked(2006), which is based on the theme of domestic violence.